Guide to the Perfect Games Night

Everyone loves a good games night, right? By “games night” I mean a night when some like-minded people get together and play a board game or two. Now, you might be someone who:

(a) Had a terrible games night, which ended with your friends throwing you into a river with a big-box game like Twilight Imperium or Descent tied round your ankles

or

(b) Have never even had a games night, because you either:

(a) Have no friends, because of hygiene issues

or

(b) Have no board games, because you’re an idiot

or

(c) Think the idea of a “games night” sounds excruciatingly bad, and you’ll be busy anyway, dating hot men/women and taking drugs.

or

(d) Don’t know how to go about having a games night.

or

(e) Are in a mental institution because you keep writing articles full of multiple choice options, letters and brackets.

or

(c) Are in a mental institution because you keep writing articles full of multiple choice options, letters and brackets.

Well, if you are one of options (a) or (b(d)) (sorry about all the brackets (and that one just there, and the ones coming up)) then you’ll be happy to know that DowntimeTown has the perfect guide for you. The guide to the PERFECT board game night.

THE DOWNTIMETOWN GUIDE TO THE PERFECT GAMES NIGHT

1. CHOOSE THE RIGHT GAME

The game has got to be right for your group. For example, if your group enjoys good games, do not put Risk on the table. Gauge the interests of the group by phoning them at 3 in the morning every night in the week leading up to your games night. A person asked a question at 3 in the morning will always answer truthfully, although the truth will probably be screamed at you and will be wrapped in lots of swear words. Find out what type of thing they like and then pop onto The Geek to find the ideal game.

2. LEARN THE RULES, IDIOT

Reading rules at the table is BAD! And you are BALD!

For God’s sake learn the rules. Whatever game you decide to play, make sure you have those rules DOWN. Study them. Commit them to memory. If, on the day of your games night, you are going for a shit without taking the rules with you to read on the pan, you are not doing your job properly. Another option is to print out copies of the rules (usually the website of the board game’s publisher will provide downloadable rulebooks) and send them to the players in advance. Just be aware that NONE OF THEM WILL ACTUALLY READ THEM BECAUSE THEY HAVE LIVES. So it’s down to you. Learn the rules, idiot.

3. PRACTICE SET-UP

Modern board games often take an age to set up. The average set-up time of a modern board game is 17 Passings of the Moon. You need to shorten that set-up time, because no-one likes waiting around while you get your stuff straight. (Am I right, ladies?) Consider the terrible sport of Grand Prix Racing. In that world there is a pit crew. And those guys practice getting shit done FAST, so that they can enhance the careers of spoiled rich kids whose machines do all the work. So you can certainly put in the time to enhance the evening of your friends, right?

4. KEEP IT BRIEF

The rules explanation. The whole night can be won or lost on the rules explanation. If it turns into a lecture, you’re screwed. Be as brief as you can feasibly be. There’s nothing worse than explaining the rules of a game and seeing people’s eyes glaze over and their drool starting to drip onto your unsleeved cards. Start the game as soon as you can. You can demonstrate a turn and explain any details as you go. Believe me here, no-one can go long on a rules explanation and survive. If Barack Obama himself took an hour over the book-keeping details of Arkham Horror, your group would be screaming for impeachment.

5. DO NOT FLIP THE FUCK OUT

His eyes are already drying out and turning black.

This is the one I have a problem with. I am a terrible loser. I hate to lose. On your special games night, you need to follow this rule: DO NOT FLIP THE FUCK OUT. You have invited some friends for a fun night playing one of the many amazing board games out there. It is a positive experience. No-one wants you ruining it all by starting to flip the fuck out when things don’t go your way. There are different ways of flipping the fuck out. There’s the TOTAL FUCKING FLIPOUT, where you will flip the board in the air, kick things over, call someone’s wife a slut and someone’s husband a manslut, and eventually wake up in jail. There’s the MILD FUCKING FLIPOUT, where your voice gets that annoying nasal sound to it, and you moan and whine about how “imbalanced” or “cheap” the mechanic of a brilliant board game is, and all because you fucked up. And then there’s the type of flipout that might be the worst – THE FUCKING STEALTH FLIPOUT.

This flipout is deadly. You fall silent. You smile and keep up appearances. You pretend you don’t care that the whole table just ganked the hell out of you. You pack the stuff away and see everyone out, wishing them a good night.

You go to bed. You lie there, in the darkness, seething. Your eyes are wide open, staring at the ceiling. You can’t even blink you’re so angry. Your eyeballs start to dry out. In the morning, you get up and go to the bathroom. Your eyeballs have turned black by this time. You take some lipstick and draw a dice symbol on your face. You get in the car.

You visit each of your friends’ homes in succession. And you kill them all, in a board game style.

Friend 1: you roll dice down his throat until his stomach ruptures.

Friend 2: You hack him up and bury his parts in two shallow graves, one marked “Draw Grave” and one marked “Discard Pile.”

Friend 3: You strip him, cover him in wool and take him to an abbatoir. You find the conveyor belt carrying lambs to the slaughter and swap him in for one of the animals. You watch as he is killed and hung, having successfully traded him for sheep.

Friend 4: You throw him into an incredibly elaborate and enormous Dice Tower you’ve built, letting his body tumble to the bottom, his bones smashing in a satisfyingly random manner.

All that said, I’d state again: DO NOT FLIP THE FUCK OUT. Just have fun. It’s great to play games with friends. Enjoy!

And that’s your 5-step plan to the perfect Games Night!

If you have a games night, let us know down below, and show us some pics!

Zaa Ooo Zaa!